Wanting everything

As my thirties are slowly rolling in...

I am starting to reflect (and freak out) on all the things I have done, wanted to do and (perhaps) will never do.

If you've ever played video games that have an element of levelling a skill, you know that you're usually not allowed to have all the skills at the same time. Every game forces you to choose a path or an identity of some sort (druid, mage, warrior, farmer, etc).

I have always likened my style of playing Sims games to my real life. I wanted ALL of the skills. To be the expert chef, paint masterpiece paintings, to be this astounding gardener that grows their own food. Much like in real life, Sims has a limitation of how long the character lives and levelling up those skills takes a long time. Except that in Sims you type in a cheeky cheat code and play on. Unfortunately real life does not have cheat codes. You cannot just simply type in "motherload" and get lots of money to build a house of your dreams, flirt with someone 25 times in a row and then get married and have babies within the same week with no difficulty. You also cannot extend your life or make time stop when things get difficult. In life, just like in games, we can’t unlock every skill. It's not just about perfection and fear of failing. Sometimes its also about genuinely wanting 100s of different lives at the same time.

The above quote is from Sylvia Plath and her book "The bell jar". She describes anxiety and grief about choosing a path and losing others in result. Later she writes: "I wanted each and every one of them (figs), but choosing one meant losing all the rest, and, as I sat there, unable to decide, the figs began to wrinkle and go black, and, one by one, they plopped to the ground at my feet."

This feeling of indecision and "wanting it all" can quickly build into deep deep depression and our lives shrivel away leaving us with no figs at all. But that doesn’t mean we can’t find joy in the ones we do choose. What if we can find ways to make a choice and be happy? What if we can live many lives every day just for a few moments?

The answer is creating, playing and connecting.

Tiffany J Marie on Instagram shared a beautiful alternative to wanting everything. Her insight is that we can eat so many "figs" as long as we don't monetise them and just see them as creative pursuits. I would one up this and add that we can pursue our interests without having to do them perfectly or be necessarily recognized for it. An example she gave was about wanting to be a chef. You don't need a degree and a job at a high end restaurant. Sometimes it’s as simple as cooking a meal for yourself, your family, or your friends. It brings so much creative joy to try something out and if you like it - keep making more of it.

Another thing I believe helps heaps is connecting to other people, especially people that have different experiences from you. Real raw connection and hearing someone's story puts you into the life of another. Our elders are absolute goldmines for that. Connecting to others and hearing about their lives gives you insight into what you like and don't like. We often think that the internet is the best source of knowledge, but I can assure you, no one will teach you more life lessons that the fellow human beings.

This is one of the reasons why I wanted to become a counsellor. I realized that helping others and being with them and their pain in a room allows me to live a thousand lives. Hearing someone's story allows me to feel what it's like to truly be with a human who wants to figure themselves out. I may never travel the world or "level up" all the skills I want to, but by showing empathy and compassion to someone in pain I can extend my life beyond this one.

If you are struggling with wanting everything, you are not alone. Making a decision can be hard, especially if mistakes end up being costly. If you feel caught between too many paths and want support in choosing, I’d be honoured to explore your story with you and support you at making that first step towards decisions.