The paralysis of perfection

Imagine this...

…you long to be in a relationship but fear heartbreak...

…you want to apply for that job but doubt your skills and experience..

…you're unsure about going to that party because you don't know everyone there..

Sounds familiar?

How many times have you NOT done something you wanted to because you were worried that it won't be the way you expected it to be? How many times you felt rejected for not acting/looking/"passing" perfectly?

There could be many reasons why we hold ourselves back, including wanting to be safe, anxiety or fear of rejection, but the main reason is often much simpler. Often what is holding us back is instead - need for perfection, which can be extremely uncomfortable. The unexpected looming of something less than perfect.

People have always struggled with needing perfection, but the ever growing expansion of the world through the internet and social media has created infinite sources of comparison and feedback. It no longer affects just what's in front of us, but infiltrates our very existence from the moment we wake up to the moment we go to sleep.

Sadly, this isn’t just an internal struggle — for many marginalized communities including people of colour, queer, disabled, refugees, perfection is necessary for survival. This pressure with the addition of basic life being already taxing enough makes it impossible to ever feel good enough without constantly striving for more more more.

Recent news from the world made me reflect on this pressure to perform and "be good", and how that may come at a cost not just for us but also our community. After decades of fighting for recognition and the place to be seen as valid human beings, refugees, black, queer and disabled communities are still facing the expectation to perform and "be good" in order to survive. There's pressure to fit into a mould that requires complete abandonment of identity and self-needs to fit in. Pressure to NEVER make a mistake. And even then be ostracized and be seen as a fraud.

Fortunately for you and me and the rest of the world there is an imperfect cure for "perfection syndrome". Imperfect because it doesn't make the struggle go away completely and at times requires a lot of effort and resources that, already exhausted, we simply do not have. For those battling themselves to get out of bed, brush teeth and make a meal or those facing bullying, uncomfortable stares and strangers crossing the road when passing down the street, life is hard enough to have to do YET ANOTHER THING. As if that's not enough it's also super frustrating to watch strangers online "performing" self care perfectly too.

The imperfect cure is taking a pause and looking ahead. Looking at what's in front of you right this second, not an unpredictable gloomy future. Taking a pause before you push away that possible relationship that MAY (or may not) turn into a break up. Taking a pause and writing a job application with all of the skills and experience you have no matter if they don't 100% suit the requirements (even if you don't send it). Dressing up for a party, putting on your favourite clothes or make up that you love, doing your hair in a way you love and maybe even considering the thought of going to that party afterall...

Or writing that blog post that you delayed writing for months and even posting it...

The world and life is heavy and difficult and we carry that weight every day, feeling like the big things are too heavy for us to be ourselves and do what we want to do. But you don't have to do it all alone. If you feel like you need for someone to encourage you to make that first step or talk about the weight you're carrying I would be honoured to be there for you and support you in this paralysis of perfection.