The importance of names

Hi! My name is ...

My name, Rasa, in Lithuanian means “morning dew.” In Sanskrit, it means “essence” or “juice.” At the same time, mine or your name are not just its literal translation or what baby name books say it means. Our names carry the meanings of our culture, our family, and the historical environment of our birth. They also carry a piece of us and of who we are as a person.

It is not uncommon for trans or non-binary people to change their names during transition. The name they were referred to in the past is then considered a deadname. This means that, just as the gender they were assigned at birth does not align with who they truly are, the name given to them may not fit either.

Names are often gendered, and when someone transitions, the mismatch between their name and identity can create difficult feelings. Sometimes, there might be nothing wrong with the name itself, it just feels like it belongs to someone else. I personally identify as a female Rasa, and it would feel odd, even offensive, if people kept referring to me as a male Jonas. Likewise, non-binary people may choose a more neutral, non-gendered name that better suits their identity as someone who doesn’t fit within the binary.

For families or communities, these changes can come as a big shock, and sometimes they may continue referring to the transitioning person by their deadname. This can be incredibly hurtful for someone trying to live authentically, leave them feeling unseen, ignored or shunned for who they are. From my past work, I’ve observed that this period of transition can resemble grief for some families. While the person transitioning may feel joy and relief in expressing who they are, their family might experience a sense of loss. They may struggle to understand that their “little girl” or “little boy” was always someone else, and that this process is not a loss, but a revelation.

Part of our identity is also expressed through our pronouns. We all have a first name, sometimes one or more middle names, a last name (or multiple names in some cultures and families) and we have our pronouns. For most cisgender people, pronouns don’t carry much emotional weight. They may feel that gender isn’t a defining part of their identity or don’t care about using their pronouns publicly, and that’s entirely valid. But for some, particularly trans and non-binary people, pronouns are deeply significant, enabling them to feel safe and accepted within their family, community, and the wider world.

Additionally, there are other valid reasons someone may change their name, often connected to what their family environment represents. For someone who grew up in an abusive household, their given name might be tied to moments of pain or trauma, making it deeply triggering to hear. Others may have been named after a relative who caused harm, or after someone the family idolized despite their wrongdoing. I recently read about a teenager who wanted to change their name because their parents, obsessed with Harry Potter, had named all their children after characters from the books, forcing an identity and life onto them that this young person never chose.

That said, sometimes we may also choose to keep our birth names but give them a meaning of our own. Originally, my name did not hold much significance, my mother simply named me after someone she knew. As years have gone by, I have researched and creatively woven its meanings and myths into who I am as a person. For a trans or non-binary person, choosing a name can be a similar act of self-creation. They may keep the name their parents gave them, alter its gendered form, or choose something entirely new. This, too, is part of the process of growing into one’s authentic self.

Learning about names and pronouns and how to use them correctly can sometimes feel daunting, especially for those unfamiliar with the concept. Some people worry about making mistakes and upsetting someone. What helped me learn how to use pronouns correctly was attaching the same meaning and importance to them as to a person’s name. Most of us, when we meet someone, make an effort to use and pronounce their name correctly, because that’s who they are. But just like with names, we might occasionally need a reminder or make a mistake. I found it helpful to check in if I am unsure and to correct myself when I get it wrong. Apologizing is appropriate, but it’s best not to over-apologize, as this can make the other person uncomfortable and place them in the position of having to comfort me.

My work as an Adlerian counsellor involves exploring the family environment and the meanings we assign to our early experiences. This may include exploring chosen names, gender expectations, and the relationships that formed (or fractured) as a result. In the counselling room, I encourage clients to live authentically: to embrace the name, pronouns, gender, and life that truly align with who they are, even if that differs from what doctors or parents decided at birth.

This means I will never ask you for or refer to you by your deadname. I will respect your pronouns and identity and support you in exploring how to connect with the world as your true self.

If you’re looking for a counsellor who understands the importance of the name that suits you best as well as other parts of your identity, I would love to support you in your journey of connection and self-growth.