How to rest?

Short answer - it depends...

Longer answer - it depends on you.

Day to day we are constantly fed with all sorts of ideas of how to rest. Bubble baths, shopping, running, walking, sleeping, connecting to others, "just not doing anything". The reality is we are all individual and it purely depends what is it that tires you to begin with.

In the past I have stumbled upon a pretty serious burnout period and during a phone call appointment with my GP got told to take some time off to rest.

"Rest how?" - I asked, with decades of "gogogo" and chronic perfectionism under my belt. "What do you prescribe I DO?"

"Whatever nourishes you" - he answered with his eternal medical wisdom.

It sounds like a simple answer, but it got me thinking. What is it that nourishes me? Frankly I never even gave it a second thought. This level of enquiry requires a lot of vulnerability and does not always feel comfortable. It could show how little we know about ourselves and how often we do what others think is good for us rather than what truly feels good or just numb out and dissociate from inner sensations and feelings altogether.

There's a lot of neuroscience research done about burnout and you'll find plenty of videos from licensed professionals or influencers with clearcut advice what to DO. But what if it's not just about the doing? What if it's about finally listening to what your body and mind needs and what aligns with your values as a person? In my enquiry I particularly enjoyed Spencer Greenberg's idea of "intrinsic values" and "instrumental values". If you're interested in that kind of self-enquiry you can find the test here. Tip: It takes longer than most other personality quizzes so I advise doing it when you have time rather than on a lunch break at work.

The basic principle is that some things we value for the sake of it (intrinsic values) and some for the benefits we get from them (instrumental). For example money is purely instrumental value as it is always used to acquire something else. On the other hand examples of intrinsic values can be self-expression, identity, connection to others, family, religion etc.

Mid-pandemic I made a hard and harsh decision - I will no longer watch or listen to the news. Naturally, that made me look heartless and ignorant in front of my peers and colleagues during a time of great suffering. I have even lost friends over it. The truth was - I could not do anything to immediately change the world, yet was incredibly affected by all that suffering and felt scared for the world. Every single day.

Thus, I decided to focus on my immediate environment instead. Creating a peer support group for colleagues to talk about their struggles, voted for parties that cared about LGBTQ+ rights, researched (and implemented) ways I could harm the environment less. I became more selective about how I consume news and media and started retraining my social media algorithms to only give me content that inspires to connect, challenges my outdated beliefs and helps think of ways I could a little bit more kinder every day.

To me that did not mean ignorance of unfairness and injustice of the world. It meant focusing on what I could do to change it. You can't change the world if you're exhausted and burnt out. You can't rest without knowing yourself and finding out what causes your distress and holds you back from nourishment. Sometimes, that can mean making yourself very unpopular for the sake of having a minute to take a breath.

Now back to my burnout. Perhaps you thought I did the "right thing" and went running or some other "healthy" activity. I mostly binge watched TV shows and doom scrolled on Instagram. But in between that I took a long hard look at what is that I actually value in my life and truly want more of. I realized I love connecting to my friends so I went to see a close friend and talked about my struggles. I wanted to bask in the sun and see the blooming trees so I took the shortest possible walk to a nearby park. Did some of my hobbies. Sang songs from "Rasa radio" (aka my made up song about peeling potatoes). Gave myself a big cuddle and actually... ended up missing work (surprisingly).

Long story short - no one knows what rest really is. It's all about balance and a mixture of what feels good and what nourishes you. You just need to take a pause and let your body speak. And by pause I mean no longer running around appealing to the values of others. Find what's important to you. You can't do it all. Trust me - I've tried...

If you relate to this or struggle to find ways to rest - you are not alone. If you're looking for someone who understands I am here to support you and gently help you find ways that would feel more like nourishing rest.